Love is hard work

Kevin is my first boyfriend. I’ve been on a steep learning curve for the past three years or so.

The first few months were the cutest – we were (or I was) so ignorant and clueless and thus barely scratching the surface. Time was spent on figuring out how to do things right: what can we do together as a couple, how much time should we spend? Besides, what do couples normally do anyway?

And then, the next couple of months were of more adjustments but now with occasional conflicts. In hindsight, they were only skin-deep: I would nag because he ignored my texts (to be fair he was working in lab and didn’t have the mental capacity to entertain my memes), and he would be pissy each time I made (self-)deprecatory joke – which in my defense, was my coping mechanism and/or potentially a love language – but regardless could come across as crude. That said, the amount of knowledge and understanding shared was relatively high whenever we tried to reconcile over these low-stake disagreements. We managed to map out the things that each other like and do not.

But shit only got real when the issues cut deep. Issues that poke into our pride, sense of self, our pasts and expectations really have tested the “ceiling” – to use the term by Matt Chandler – of our relationship: what are the quirks, struggles, the goods and bads that we can and cannot tolerate. Eventually, our observations inform the determination of the said ceiling, which in turn helps to decide whether the relationship is worth continuing. I must say, we’re still treading the waters gently, albeit more confidently now.

At this stage as well, it really dawns on me that rom-coms can’t get any further than reality. Kissing in the rain, chasing your lover’s train (or plane), catching grenades, or writing bomb-ass love notes simply won’t cut it. And though the TikTok videos may suggest that love is serendipitous and mysterious, for most parts, love is hard work.

Love is hard work because the person you love is unique

This goes without saying but oftentimes we are caught up with the similarities, or points of convergence between people in a relationship that we forget we are dealing with a completely different individual.

I so often have told this story but Kevin and I originally began to vibe along with each other because of our shared love for Taylor Swift and for corny jokes. Over time, the area of intersection in our Venn Diagram grows to include other things. That said, I often forget that we lead two different lives beyond our points of convergence: we hang out with different groups of people, we study two completely different things, I watch football and he doesn’t, he burns scented candles and I don’t if he doesn’t buy for me, among many other things.

One thing that I appreciate from Kevin is his willingness to sympathise with my rants and blabber about Liverpool and other footy stuff. Though I can tell from his face that he may be zoning in and out a bit, thankfully there has never been an occasion where he undermines my excitement for football; he even sometimes asks follow up questions and clarifications which make me feel like a football pundit. Similarly, I try my best to appreciate Kevin’s love for scented candles though honestly, I am at most indifferent to them. But my appreciation grows as I see how Kevin is happy when talking about candles and using them (and nothing beats seeing the person you love geek out about something).

It is hard work to establish that some of the things that I enjoy may not be enjoyable for the other party, vice versa. That said, it requires humility and genuine affection to try appreciate the different preoccupations that each other has.

Love is hard work because issues don’t resolve themselves

Though I mentioned earlier that conflicts have lead us to opportunities to learn more about/from each other, these don’t happen naturally. Instead, we must learn to talk, with gentleness and grace, though our hearts are flaming with anger and tongues so willing to curse in languages we don’t even know.

Thankfully, we have built a habit of expressing our anger openly. Though the other party may not always be ready to respond (i.e., forgive, clarify, apologise, make amends), we trust each other that, as long as ample time and space is given, we will eventually find a way to understand and rectify the conditions that have led to the arguments.

This is a self-reinforcing practice; it has taken us many disagreements and misunderstandings to practice the dispensing of grace and gentleness so that we can resolve the issues at hand as a team. But as the adage goes, practice makes perfect…it’s not that we seek for problems, but each issue is an opportunity to build up our capacity to love.

Love is hard work because you’re carrying the heart of a person so loved by their family and God

One of my favourite poems is by ee cummings, [i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

The thought of me, carrying another person’s heart – arguably one of the most vital organs in a person’s body – is terrifying and awesome. One one hand, wow! I have been bestowed the honour of carrying this bit of a person’s being with me. How cool is that! On the other hand, wow – the amount of care and tenderness to protect what I am carrying! I cannot be reckless and harsh, for I am carrying the core/essence of life itself (as the poem implies).

I haven’t spent a lot of time with Kevin’s folks because we live in different cities; but the one time I had dinner with his parents was memorable. I instantly knew how much love and pride and hope they have for Kevin. Of course, one would say that it’s only expected since he’s an only child. However, the things that transpired from the conversations gave me perspectives: these were the folks who nurtured and rooted for him, so they wanted nothing but the best for their kid.

So, while I in no way claim to be the best, I strive to be respectful, truthful, and loving in my friendship with Kevin. And self respect and honesty do not always translate as lovey-dovey feeling or smooth sailing journey. Sometimes, they’re hard and cold truths, rebukes and encouragements, teary moments – all was done with the best of intention, that is to encourage Kevin be the best version of himself.

What might this best version be, though?

I am grateful to have met Kevin through church. We’re thankful for friendships and mentorship that have always brought Christ back as the centre of it all. And in so doing, we measure each other’s character growth in light of their journey toward Christlikeness. I personally have found it useful to remember Psalm 139:14,

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderfully , I know that full well.

Through the differences, annoyances, and other difficult moments it’s helpful to remember that this person is indeed “fearfully and wonderfully made” by God himself. In the words of Apostle Paul, the person is indeed “God’s handiwork created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance…” (Ephesians 2:10).

There is a newfound respect, purpose, and resolve upon realising that my carrying of Kevin’s heart, inasmuch as possible, has to align with God’s calling in his life. There simply is no time left to screw around, toying with his feelings or picking up fights over trivial matters. Understanding this helps me to reorient the goals: not only to preserve the relationship from harm and troubles, nor staving off as much issues as possible, but to figure out things that can help Kevin grow into inhabiting the roles and posts, the good works, God has readied for him. Likewise, I allow Kevin’s suggestions, encouragements, and support to mould the search for God’s lead in my life.

In a sense, love truly is a hard work when you realise that your partner is a co-worker to work for God’s plentiful harvest.

2021 has been a year of learning for both of us, but especially me. I am rather surprised to learn how relationships often expose the deep-seated insecurities that I never thought existed before: the fear of rejection, the feeling of inadequacy, the obsession for control over one’s future, etc. But I take comfort in grace and love that has come in abundance, which have always given me the wisdom to make the right call.

While no one knows what does the future hold for Kevin and I, and for each one of my readers here (especially during this pandemic, the universe be throwing curveballs!), my experiences have led me to conclude that companionship is the hallmark of human experience. It doesn’t have to be romantic, some of us will enjoy mostly platonic relationships. But, in any case, love/affection is never built overnight, it’s a process – a tedious and an intentional one, and it’s worthwhile.